im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You ruined the universe
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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