I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
