Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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