my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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