there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
