Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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