I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
