I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
