I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize