i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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