i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
