Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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