i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
