dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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