Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
