I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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