Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
