Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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