How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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