I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
