I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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