On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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