i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
