I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
