He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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