I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have aggressive nipples.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
