I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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