Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
