Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
