so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
