I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
