Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
