you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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