They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
