she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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