I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
