I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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