when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
