There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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