mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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