I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
