Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
