Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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