I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
