I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize