Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
