maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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