Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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