she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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