now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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