If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
