I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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