Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
