youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
