Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
