My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
