I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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