I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize