this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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