Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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