Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is my gift to your gina
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
