he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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